Situational Friendships VS. Full Capacity Friendships

Clients come to me and say I'm having a misunderstanding with my best friend. And I ask them what’s the disagreement about? They'll tell me he doesn't like it when I'm serious or give him feedback about how he treats me, or he only wants me around to have fun, but not when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Keep in mind that when these clients come to me, they think their best friend has the same full capacity they have for them, and most often, they believe the relationship has equal meaning to both of them. But I help them see their best friend does not have a full capacity relationship with them. They have a situational relationship with them.

To have a meaningful and long-lasting friendship with another human being, both of you need full capacity for each other.

For example, if I have a friend who says that, I don't understand why this person who is supposed to be my best friend isn't there for me when things are tough or doesn't allow me to let him know what's hurting me and he avoids, instead.

I say to him that your problem is your best friend has a situational relationship with you, and you need a full capacity relationship.

A meaningful and long-lasting friendship with someone means that they have full capacity for all of you. (Full Capacity means all your versions). Animated versions, fun versions, sad versions, down versions, frustrated versions, all versions of you in the Friendship.

But if they only have the capacity for one version of you, which is the fun version, and push away the other versions of you, because they don't want the weight. That is not a full capacity friendship. That is situational Friendship. They are only taking what they need from you in a particular fun situation and discard the rest of you.

It's essential to understand this distinction. If you have a fun friend, someone you only have fun with, but they don't have the bandwidth for your down moments, they can't be there to listen as you need them, or even be there to take in the feedback of what actions they're doing that's hurting you. That is not a full capacity friendship on their part.

Now, this is not their fault. The friend may not know how or have the tools for a full capacity friendship. They may not know how to manage your downs. So they avoid, they push away because they can't deal with the un-fun version of you. They never learned how to have the tools for this type of Friendship.

This is not something to be upset with because we all do what we know how to do. Some of us only know how to avoid uncomfortable situations. Some of us only have room for one full capacity relationship. Some of us have the capacity for two.

You must be conscious of this. What is this friend taking from me, and what are they leaving? And you decide whether or not you want to be in that Friendship on your part, or also just take the fun parts and save the rest of your capacity for someone who does want to have the same full capacity relationship you have with them.

I hope you get out of this blog never to assume that the relationship you have with someone is the same full capacity relationship. And that's where the fundamental issue lies in most close relationships. We never checked in to see whether or not that person has a total capacity for all of us as we have for them.

Being conscious of the people you keep in your life is crucial. That way, you can take your power back and decide whether you want to have a situational or full capacity relationship with them. And that's a mutual agreement between the both of you, whether it's spoken or unspoken, but it's your power to decide.